today i received an sms from zhenhao...informing me his change of hp...told myself it doesn't matter anymore even if he doesn't inform me...cos i will never contact him anymore or anyone who is related to HIM...i know i m jus deluding myself but do i have a choice? each time these ppl call me...they never fail to tell me something tat will remind me of HIM...i have been haunted enuf for the past year...u may think i m stupid...but this is the only way i can prevent ppl from reminding me bout HIM...
yest when Princess and i were on our way to Sentosa...we remembered tat we haven bought 4D...thn when Princess mentioned there's no one to help us get...dun know y...i know i will never have such a problem in the past when i was wif HIM...cos he will always get someone to do it for me...after Sentosa...we met up wif Princess's best fren, Karen...she was having some personal problems which indirectly reminded me of HIM again...today...i decided to buy 4D myself cos i was at Rivevale Mall buying some groceries wif Mummy and Princess...queue was really long but wat the heck...wanted to get some numbers really badly...just in case they open...
normally i dun check 4D results cos i dun buy them in the first place...but today when Daddy wanted to check the results...i got really excited...had this feeling i will see the number...true enuf...i saw the number...but not my winning number...its HIS winning number...used to call him immediately when i see HIS winning numbers...but i no longer do tat...stopped doing tat for one over years now...first number in Starters 4636 (Sunday 13 July 2008)...his car plate number...in exact sequence...
tats his car and mine when we got our cars...first car we bought wif our own savings...i was suppose to get the same car wif him...but i decided its just a mode of transportation...no need to spend unnecessarily...but he thought otherwise...guess tat's the difference between him and me...our piorities in life are ever so different...we have known each other for so many many years now...been close like brothers...but something really BAD happened 2 years back...sorry peeps...can't relate what exactly happened...cos one hand i m sick of being accused of bad-mouthing...on the other hand...i m really so upset bout the whole incident i dun wish to be reminded anymore...i know he will never get a chance to read this...even if he know my blog address...dun think he will ever be interested in reading this...but i jus wan to say this to him...jus to get it off my chest for the past year...hopefully i will recover quickly and move on...
Baby K, its been one1/2 years now...i know wat happened back thn was a nightmare to u...but likewise for me...its was the worst thing tat could ever happen to me...i know its useless for me to say anything now...but i really hope u can hear me out for the last time...even if we are going our separate ways from now on...trust me pls...i have never intended to hurt u in any way...from the day i know u even till today...i wouldn even bear to hurt u...i spent the past one1/2 years...trying to find an answer to the many questions tat pondered in my head...
i kept asking myself y did u choose to give me up? did i really do something so wrong tat you will never want to forgive me in this life? Just wat was on your mind when you rejected my apologies time and again? For so many years have i not done anything for you that is worth you considering before you decide to give me up? i m so confused...and so puzzled...why after tat incident...you still bother to care for me...bother to find out bout me from others...then overnight you treat me like your worst enemy? Just wat is it you cannot tell me? when i was over at your place to pass you your Bday gift and you rejected it...you didn't even bother to look back when i left...why were you so heartless then? Do you really hate me so much? i thought you once said that we will never keep any secrets between us...why is it when we are faced wif our situation...you just refuse to tell me anything? you always say tat some things should be left unspoken...but if you dun speak up..how u expect me to know? after so much tat we both have gone thru for so many years...is there nothing at all tat you treasure? was it jus my own wishful thinking?
wif so many questions still hanging on...how u expect me to move on without any answers?? whenever i hear from others that you are moving on wif life and enjoying your life...wif new activities...new ppl in your life...i can't help but to build hatrad in me....told myself i will throw a punch at you...spit on ur face when i see you...but each time i bump into you...i jus froze there...dun know wat to do...get super affected thereafter...i cannot do it...i just cannot bring myself to hate you...i cannot bear to inflict any hurt on you...tat makes my life even more miserable...cos i know no matter how hard i try...i will never get you back into my life...even if the day we reconcile...things will never be the same as before...this scar will stay in me and you forever...but yet at the same time...i cannot accept the fact that you can live your life without me...but i can't...and to worsen the situation...i m constantly haunted by you...
i really tried very very hard to forget you...i even removed all your pics, your contact nos and even contact nos of those around you from my mobile...but i jus cannot forget...your contact nos and your face is locked in my brain...i may have physically removed them but they still remain in my heart...sometimes i question...is it becos i really cannot live without you...or is it becos i cannot accept the fact that you actually gave me up so easily after so much we have gone thru...or is it becos you still have not answered the many questions i have...or is it becos i am just very stubborn and refuse to let go...what is it i really dun know...i very much want to know myself...cos its really suffocating me...
anyone who is readin this will probably think i m mad...tats becos you ppl dun understand me...you haven gone thru wat i have gone thru...the day you do...you will understand the extruciating pain in me...whatever it is...i jus want to tell Baby K...
Don't think i will forget you this life...and if there's one day you ever realise and want to...dun bother to make things up wif me cos its never gonna be the same anymore...dun worry...for the pain and suffering tat you made me go thru this life...i will go thru...but i will claim it back from you in our next life...deep from my heart...i sincerely wish you all the best in your life...and like what i have always wished for you...eternal happiness in whatever you do...i will miss you surely....that's the only thing tat's left for me to do...*sob**sob*
i will continue to pray for you...take carez Baby K!!!!